The Applebody Tree. (Mum Just Stared At Me)

The Loo-Kout.  (Lookout From My Loo)   

I went to play in my new house yesterday.  (See view from my toilet window!)  My parents were with me and we tinkered about quite happily for a whole afternoon.  I opened up the wooden shutters and let the sunlight stream in through all the rooms.  I left the windows nice and wide so we could make the most of the autumn air ~ and it was glorious!

We bodged up all the holes and cracks in the bedroom and living room walls with this miracle cream called 'Hard As Nails' from The Englandshires that I silently accused of being some kind of Viagra in disguise, and my mum, bless her, took me a pair of pink marigold gloves which I refused to wear.  I was in my element!  I was kind of hoping I'd get messy and I did.  My jeans were covered in dust from kneeling on the floor and I looked like a billion year old woman by the time we'd finished work.

We went out into the back garden for a while and I picked apples from one of the trees.  The grass is absolutely strewn with them and they're perfectly nice enough to eat now.  A couple of weeks back they were only fit for pies with lots of sugar in them.  Mmmm... pies with lots of sugar.  Anyway, I filled  up a bag with them for my mum  whilst attempting to convince her that the tree roots must be fueled by dead bodies because I couldn't think of any better reason for such an abundance!  Mum just stared.

There's a wooden garage out there too!  It's big old doors creaked like crazy when I pulled them back to look inside.  There's pretty ivy growing up the walls & I can imagine using it as a place to string up multicoloured fairy lights and entertain people on summer evenings, whilst feeding them pies from The Applebody Tree.  And they wont mind because they wont know!

I also had a crafty climb up the loft ladder in the tiny hallway between the kids bedrooms and the upstairs living room at the top of the windy wooden staircase from the kitchen underneath.  My mum watched my back for me in case I toppled off and killed myself - which I didn't.  

It was dark in the attic.  But at the very least I could make out some cobwebs; which was enough to convince me there were secrets and hidden bodies up there too.  I told my mum of my findings.  I also told her I'd be growing cannabis up there.  Mum just stared.

And then, once I'd closed all the doors and shutters and windows upstairs, we swept our way back down the windy wooden staircase into the kitchen again, where I found a rather substantial and potentially worrying water leak spreading its way across the tiles.  I put that down to bodies, clogging up the pipes.  

"I think I'm going to like it here" I said.  Mum . . . just stared.  

And well, I guess that's enough for now.  But maybe tune in some other time, if you can be arsed.  You haven't met my neighbours yet.  

*Grins*  I have!  

LE x

Dear Customer Services

I'm writing to complain about the microwave I purchased with you last Thursday afternoon.


Happy with the impeccable service I received at your store last week, I set the microwave up on my doorstep that very evening  - as I figured this would be the best place for it to do the job required.  And every morning since, I've stood and I've watched it from my bus stop.  I've watched it as my bus has pulled away and almost turned the first corner on my journey to work.  I've had everybody else on the bus watch it.  Because, I'm sure you'll agree, Dear Customer services, that twenty seven eyes are better than two.  And, quite frankly, I feel I've watched and I've waited for much longer than is necessary.


Hell . . .  I even asked my neighbour to check on it once my bus was out of sight.  In case of some sort of delay in the electrics and wiring.  But he seems to have come to the same conclusion as I have . . .


It hasn't waved.  Not once.


LE x

Watch Me Write A Song. It's Been SO Long!

Little bubble in my mind

You are poisoning my prime

How can you make me feel so lonely

Yet be with me all the time

You call me to your mirror

Touch my face and stroke my hair

You whisper that you love me

But I know that you're not there
Then you burst and you're not there

You call me to your mirror
Touch my face and stroke my hair
You whisper that you love me

Unstable Mabel broke her face on a table
And everyone laughed when she got a skin graft
Cos she looked like a bunny
Oh it was all just too funny

But it worked out OK
Cos in the end she said "Hey"
"That's enough for one day"
And blew the buggers away

Now she sits in her pants and eats strawberry plants

Oh shit.

I Need Me Some.

I combed my bedroom ceiling

A hundred times or more

Til I got this funny feeling

You were right behind my door

So I took a little moment

Just to gather up my strength

And when I ripped it from its hinges

I found you at arm’s length

*Cake*

Open All Doors

Dear Secret Mind Bloggles,

A sad heart is also an open one.  Don't you think?  Like a door.  My heart was sad for many moons.  And still finds itself in sorry places from time to time, it's true.  But it's come a long way over the years.  And I'm very grateful for that.

People come and people go, some are helpful, some are hard to understand.  Some leave scars and some leave happy memories you will never forget to remember.  They're all important, in their special ways.  And that's something I've come to realise.

You can learn from your own mistakes and heartache as well as your better times and dreams; and you can learn from those of others.

It's important to let go of your pain from the past.  Because without doing so, you hold yourself from moving forward into your future.  The one you're entitled to.  The one that's going to allow you to look back and smile.  The one that's going to help you to step even closer to the places you actually imagined you'd find yourself in, rather than the ones you always felt would suit you . . . in the end.

Which leads me to me you see, because I'm about to take the first few steps into my own future.  But if it wasn't for the help I've had along the way, from those who didn't realise it at the time, from those who have inspired and encouraged me, endlessly, and those who have caused me tears.  I wouldn't be where I am right now.

And while I can't help but be a little frightened by the unknown, I'm pretty much being blinded by the fire at the end of the tunnel.  In fact, I'm almost ready to crack open the marshmallows!

We're ALL getting warmer.

*Kicks door down*

LE x

Popularity Spreads

Dear Secret Mind Bloggles,

What are we even doing here at this time in a morning?  Actually, it's not THAT late.  But it might be by the time we're finished.  You can never quite tell with these things, I don't think.  Unless you're wearing special goggles.

Anyway, we've had this idea about my future career.  And we think it's AMAZiNK!  Me, myself and me.

In an ideal world where everything works.  We're going to open a shop.  A Cob Shop.  That's sandwiches, made from bread with things inside them.  And the people of France, all twelve of them, are going to bloody love it.  But the difference with MY shop is that the sandwich fillings are going to be combinations of things that work for me and possibly me alone, which matters not.

So, we're talking...

Walnut Cream Cheese, Fig Jam and Lambs Lettuce.  (Straight from the Land Of Lambs and ALL in the same sandwich).

We're talking...

Blue Cheese and Fried Eggs with Red Peppercorns and Apricot Jam.  (This one's going to blow your mind clean off its axis).

And basically this continues, hopefully without too many deaths or suicides along the way.  We'll introduce things as time goes by and popularity spreads.  No, it won't be a very big shop to start with and everything will be made from wood (apart from the sandwiches) straight from the Land Of Woodland.  There will be multicoloured fairy lights that don't work properly and a sign that reads 'Disconnect Your Taste Buds By The Door'.

I think it can work.  And probably will do, in my dreams.

Speaking of which...

Good night, peapods!

LE x