I just want to spread a little awareness and love amongst people out there who are suffering with eating disorders. So here's some firsthand stuff and junk about bulimia.
I have had bulimia for many many years. I haven't been able to get the treatment I need. Partly because I have been frightened of recovery and also because my attempts in the past have only ever left me feeling let down and possibly worse. Glancing at somebody and telling them 'you look fine to me' is not enough to heal the war between a person and their eating disorder and I figured I could do without that kind of *cough* 'help'.
My particular case began as a young teenager but I managed to start eating properly again for a few years - until I turned eighteen. It took me a good while to gain control once more after that and then I was lucky enough to have several years of peace from bulimia. It came back again when I was (roughly) 25 years old and I haven't managed to break the cycle ever since. Although, having said that, I have managed to find ways to cope and to avoid and also with my age and my personal life experiences I have started to heal, naturally.
But it isn't because I don't talk about it that I don't have episodes every day. In fact it is extremely rare that I actually make it through 24 hours without overeating and being sick.
A person with bulimia does not often talk about his or her suffering. In my case I keep quiet because I don't want to bother anybody with the details and I have been made aware, on several occasions by people closest to me, that my problems are my own to deal with and that 'voicing' them will not help. I have even been told that ignoring the bulimia is better for everybody. There's no point dwelling on it, it will only make the bulimia worse.
Obviosuly people with eating disorders don't want to hurt anybody else. Especially friends and family members. They just need a hug now and again. And somebody they can just be honest with... "I had a good day today/I had a shit day today". I know I'd rather not have to write all this down in a blog! I'd rather be able to turn to somebody who can look me in the eye when I tell them "I'm feeling great today/I'm feeling terrible today".
But if these words can comfort just one person suffering, well that's gold.
I have been to great lengths not to gain weight. Bulimia is not fun. I have blocked toilets and resorted to being sick in buckets. I have been sick in showers when toilets have not been an option. I have been sick in my back garden. I have starved myself (which is anorexia/bulimia combined), overexercised and abused laxatives. I use a toothbrush to throw up and I've even been to restaurants and used a pen in my handbag to help me throw up while the bill is being paid.
Bulimia makes me tired. It makes me sad. But I don't feel ashamed. I feel strength and the need to get better. I love food. I love eating fruits and vegetables. I love cooking soups and adding fresh herbs and spices. I love the way food, when eaten correctly, makes me feel healthy and grateful for life.
Nevertheless bulimia has probably caused an awful lot of damage inside my body that I'm not yet aware of and that's frightening. One of the scariest symptoms I get from time to time is when I go dizzy and I have to sit down and fill up with fruit juice and sugary foods. My eyesight goes all blurry and I can't think or hear properly. I have to wait a few minutes for it to pass. It's awful and a very lonely experience.
I hope one day I will be able to eat healthy foods and wave goodbye to this ED forever. And if raising just a tiny bit of awareness helps somebody else... then it helps me, too.
Take steps to take care of yourself if you have an eating disorder.
And take a look at this site if you're interested in understanding bulimia a little better...
http://www.timberlineknolls.com/eating-disorder/bulimia/signs-effects/
Don't give up.
