Social media is definitely a mixed bag for me... and my bpd (borderline personality disorder).
I have met (without actually meeting) a small bunch of wonderful people who have become amazing Internet friends over the last few years and I feel so lucky. I wish I could spend time with them in real life. I have a lot to thank them for and I know there would be plenty of well earned laughter and stupidness.
But I'm quite sure I'd be better off without the bullshit that unravels in my mind when I start to think I'm worthless and that I'm no fun to be around or correspond with. I can spend an awful lot of time stalking people I apparently see as a 'threat' to my existence and yet at the same time I very often feel a connection with these same people. As if they might be a different version of me - and so that's what upsets me. You see? I once read how you should study that which annoys you more closely because it can tell you a lot about yourself.
Let me give you an example.
A few years ago I made a friend through the Internet who I ended up meeting and who is still my friend today. A person I value in many ways and who never fails to cheer me. I appreciate the friendship we had and still share. Although these days we don't speak often I have fond memories of random mischief and good fun.
We spoke often through Twitter and (at the time) Facebook - which I try to avoid these days where possible. He had plenty of followers on Twitter and a good half of those were female. Such is life. Only there was one in particular who seemed really sure of herself, her style, her life. And I started to secretly study all her liaisons with 'MY' friend *rolls eyes*. And it quickly turned into me checking her timeline every single day and marvelling at her confidence and brilliant life. I admired her and at the same time I didn't want to admire her at all because she made me feel so dull and boring. It made me angry and I fell out with my friend because I couldn't understand why he would bother talking to me... when he could talk to her and have far more fun.
In my eyes she was attractive and full of character. She was colourful and a bit of a rebel. She swore and had a way with words that I envied. She didn't seem to care what people thought of her or
whether she was trashy. She didn't seem to be influenced by others. Or give a damn about her size (which I struggle with daily as I alternate between bulimia and anorexia - which is getting better). So while I tried to like her I secretly hated her for being so amazing. And in turn I hated myself for hating anybody at all. I dislike bad feelings, especially towards other people.
It's a complete waste of time.
Because... isn't life all about learning from other people? Allowing yourself to be positively influenced by people you admire so that
you can apply their traits to your own life and live better for it? Well, I couldn't see this at the time, and I still can't! I'm capable of writing it but I'm not sure I'm capable of actually admitting I know I'm right. Because I'm still pretty sure she's amazing and I don't like how I compare.
This isn't quite 'Single White Female' but a fair few years have passed and I still check her timeline every few months, maybe four or five times a year. I have actually copied a few things I admired about her life into my own. But I don't feel comfortable with the
way I dealt with any of this. And I certainly don't feel proud.
So, if I'm your friend on Twitter and if I feel a connection with you then the likelihood is that I will check your followers list now and then and I will get lost, for short periods, in YOUR world. I will check photos and feel temporarily inadequate. I will wonder what it takes to be as brilliant and as beautiful as the people you chat with. And I will wish I could be somebody similar rather than me. And then I'll come back down to earth and get on with my life. I have shit loads of tasks to complete, a job, two children and a cat to entertain. And I love my life. I love my children and the stupid
nonsense we come up with. I often propel myself into the future so I can imagine looking back on my time with my children and I don't want any regrets. I want to be happy with my memories and I want them to be equally so.
But bpd sometimes gets in my way and I feel awkward. Without going into detail about the rest of my experiences with this mental health monster! ; ) I just wanted to share my 'stalking' story with you. Because it's quite honestly a problem. I don't have an awful lot of time for me - let alone worry about how much better other
people are! And just to clarify, I don't feel jealousy when I 'stalk' people I admire. I'm happy with my life and all the simple things I experience every day. From getting up and drinking tea right through to a hearty beer in an evening! I just feel temporarily worthless because
these people seem so in tune with who they are and I appear to be addicted to tracking them down just to make myself feel bad. It's something I have to learn to control and eventually stop because I don't want their looks, possessions, lives, jobs, money, etc. I think I'd just like their confidence to be whole and alive. And in order to be those things I have to log off and get out!
Thanks for reading. Please let me know if you've had similar experiences with (or without) bpd.
