If I were asked to explain everything I know about horses I'd probably manage to talk for about 30 seconds. Quite a lot of them are white, brown, sometimes grey. They usually have four legs and they seem to like to run around in fields with green grass. Oh, and they have big teeth.
Truth is I'm not really bothered about horses at all. So why the hell would I want to learn anything about them!
Until one evening, I was invited to a friend's house where I found myself mingling with a bunch of horse fanatics and, of course, I had nothing to say on the subject. I had no idea how to answer, what to ask or how to appear interested. Because I wasn't! It was quite embarrassing and I spent my night staring at table decorations and searching for words. So the next time I was invited I researched and prepared myself with a little knowledge. I felt much more comfortable about horse chat and even had a handful of simple questions to fire.
I hope it goes without saying that animal banter is by no means a comparison to that of Mental Illness, but imagine if you had been invited to a meal with medical professionals and a load of people suffering with disorders of this type. That you had no friggin idea about Bipolar I, let alone Bipolar II but that Mental Health was the topic of conversation for the entire soiree. Agh!
What the batshit you gonna say, eh?
Imagine, then, falling in 'story book love' with a person who has, for example, Borderline Personality Disorder. Now you really can't hide in the toilets until s/he 'gets over it' can you! But you haven't got a clue what to do, how to act, how to react, what to say, what not to say. In fact, you don't even know what BPD is. Jeez. Now what?
There are babies born every few seconds, all destined to be challenged in one way or another with mental illness - at one time or another, if not for the entirety of their lives. We can't simply chose the happy sperm! And when they tell you your baby is one of the two in 1,000 people who has Autism and that his disorder is life-changing and that he will never be "normal", you can't send him back. So whatcha gonna do?
Are you going to try to learn everything you can on the subject? If you've taken the time to get to know, or create this person from scratch, surely they're worth your time and effort. Or are you going to continue loving him or her in complete denial of their difficulties. Sweeping every episode under the rug? You can certainly try it for a while but most of the time mental disorders don't cater for this kind of attitude. You're simply going to have to either open your heart, or walk away.
I don't believe we are ignorant. I don't believe in beating the MH drum and accusing people of not being 'open' or 'aware' enough. I had no idea I was born with borderline symptoms. It took me 32 years to get a diagnosis. I just thought I was 'difficult'. I even blamed my being a Scorpio! It wasn't until I made the link between close relationships and my symptoms, which were gradually getting worse with respect to my personal safety, that I realised I had my arse to save, as well as to preserve the quality of the lives of those around me. When I picked up a pencil and started to work through my life on paper I noticed patterns connected to stages and events in my childhood. I wrote about my feelings and how I reacted to different situations and people. I wrote about my deepest darkest fears and beliefs. I was honest with myself because I figured it was absolutely necessary if I was to get better one day.
I eventually happened upon an article about borderline personality disorder and when I'd finished reading it I cried a river. It all made perfect sense and I suddenly realised I wasn't a monster, I just needed some support, a diagnosis and to learn how to heal.
If I hadn't done this work and had decided to sweep my dangerous symptoms under the rug, as far fetched as it might sound, I might not be here now. I still have a very long way to go and I really do believe myself to be incredibly lucky because I finally recognised my illness. A lot of people never get this far, many of them deny they have a problem, and some never realise at all.
Personally I think that, like a lot of subjects, until we are directly affected we're not always ready to hear the details. And if you're perfectly happy with your life and with the lives of those around you, then that is quite a wonderful thing. We shouldn't have to force the 'healthy' to listen to us until their ears bleed. What I would like to see more of is empathy and the simple act of validating our suffering from time to time. But not in a DROP EVERYTHING way, more a - 'Can I do anything to help', or, 'Would you like to talk to me, I'm here to listen' kind of way.
It's our job to work on ourselves to the best we possibly can. It is very difficult, especially when members of your family don't want to listen, this hurts an awful lot, I know. But whether affected by a mental health issue or a stable full of horses you have no idea how to ride, everybody has a right to smile. Those who don't care for you or your pains, perhaps don't deserve your time in the first place. Don't try too hard to make them understand. Put that energy, if possible, into you, yourself, those you love and those who love you back.
